The Hunger for Touch

by Valerie Ann Worwood

The human being thrives on touch. An enormous amount of research has been done in recent years, on both human beings and animals, in regards to touch. The results show that lack of touch ("cutaneous deprivation") can lead, not only to emotional disturbances but also, to a lessened intellectual ability and physical growth, reduced sexual interest, and even a weakness of the immune system. There are, it seems, distinct biochemical differences between people who experience touch and those who do not.

Unfortunately, a large number of people go through life with very little tactile stimulation. Over the years in my clinical practice I've met many patients who have little experience of touch. The most worrisome aspect relates to self-examination for health reasons — women need to check their breasts for cancer and men need to check for lumps that could indicate testicular cancer. Yet even for such necessary and innocent activities, I've heard patients say, "Lying there touching myself? I couldn't!"

The connection between sex and touch—any touch—is made early on by many people. The trouble starts when childhood sexuality is controlled by parental admonishments of "Don't touch yourself!" or "That's dirty". "Good girls don't let boys touch them" is said almost as often as "Big boys don't cry". Hugs from strangers, children must be told, are bad.

In one way or another, touch can be associated with guilt early in life, and it often becomes acceptable only within the context of secure or "legitimate" sexual activity. This imprisoning of touch, within the context of sex, means that touch becomes a lead-in to it — "I know when he wants sex because that's when he puts his arm around me". The end result of this situation is that often women agree to have sex only because they want touch. Sex is the only way they can get the warmth and closeness they need, and many surveys on this subject seem to point to the fact that female promiscuity isn't an insatiable desire for sex, but the hunger for touch.

The hunger for touch is a real human need. It can be difficult for men to admit their need because from the word go, they're told to be strong and in control and not to go running to mommy for comfort whenever there's any trouble. The association between weakness and cuddles can easily be transferred into the sexual relationship, so that when a woman attempts to have her hunger for touch satisfied in his arms, he thinks, "She's being pathetic". This apparent show of emotional weakness can be especially exasperating for a man who already feels that he is carrying more than his share of the relationship responsibilities. The woman, meanwhile, finds him cold and unresponsive.

It is said that women have a better touch than men do, if only because it is so much more a part of their daily lives. But because so many people equate touch with sex, these same tactile women may refrain from touching their partners because it will be interpreted as a sexual advance. So for one reason or another, touch isn't always seen as an activity valid in its own right, a legitimate human need, but is instead seen as a means to an end.

The degree of tactile stimulation in a person's life is very much affected by two things: cultural tradition and family circumstances — the general and the particular. In Japan, until very recently, touching in the street was thought very bad form; while in Italy everyone seems to be touching each other, from children to grannies. In most southern European countries the women walk arm in arm. In Arab and Indian subcontinent countries, men walk holding hands, and mothers massage their babies and children on a regular, almost daily, basis, and are in their turn massaged by them. Only the other day I saw three generations of women from an Indian family stop for a minute at a London shop front so the granddaughter could massage her grandmother's apparently arthritic hand. Westerners tend to leave the massaging of grandma's arthritis to the physiotherapist.

Babies carried in the slings that parents hitch around their chests, so the baby is held close, are far more secure when left with strangers than babies who are transported around in carriages or strollers are. Children are always craving to be touched and hugged, but because mothers and fathers are so often busy, the child often gets rejection instead — "Don't bother me now." Yet the need remains, and becomes amplified so that some may be naughty only to get a slap because this touch is better than no touch at all!

Fortunately, a person who has "lost their touch" is not lost forever. Because I give my patients essential oil treatments to use at home, I often ask the question," Have you got someone to massage you - your husband, perhaps?" And often the reply is, "Oh, no, we never touch," or "He never has" — and some of these women and men have been married for thirty years or so. (And when was the last time you gave or received a massage?) Nevertheless, the patient very often finds the partner willing to take part in the treatment, and I hear enthusiastic reports: "He's got a lovely touch, you know." Soon they want to return the compliment and pleasure and start to massage their partner, and a whole new dimension of tactile experience is opened up.

The Sensuous Touch

When sexual energy between a couple is high, there's not such a need to "go all the way" because touch, as an activity in itself, can be a wholly satisfying experience, too. One might not always want to make love, especially after a long and tiring day, but when ten minutes of sensuous touch takes place, the same relaxing and satisfying feeling overtakes you and you fall into each other's arms, close and at one instead of grumpy and uptight.

It's crucial to allow yourself to accept that touching doesn't have to lead to sex. Just touch each other in the full knowledge that you're going to fall asleep in ten minutes' time. Caress each other gently, not forgetting the face and head — kiss goodnight and go to sleep. Sweet dreams.

Three ten-minute touching-only sessions a week would save thousands of marriages and millions of dollars in psychiatrists' and doctors' fees. First of all, emotional tension is diffused and dispersed so no "bottling up" occurs. (It's not uncommon for a person to feel close to tears when touched after a long time alone.) Despite the facts that touch dissolves tension we rarely offer it to people whom are "stressed out" — cuddles and sympathy are reserved for emotional upsets. If your partner comes home one day in a fury and starts to march around the house sounding off about the day's events, treat them with touch by all means, but make it gradual. Start by taking their hand and simply keep holding it; then stroke their arm. By this time they might have taken a deep sigh and, if you're near a chair, they may be eased into it. Gradually use touch to ease their stress — great demonstrative, engulfing embraces at times of high stress can just cause an explosive reaction, so gently does it! We're all subjected to some degree of stress during the day and a ten minute touching session before sleep can really help to ease the burden.

The human organism is electric and needs grounding. The activity of the brain's ten billion nerve cells is mainly electrical, and they interact through the nervous system with the entire body, including the skin. The skin is, in fact, the largest organ of the body. When you gently stroke your lover, you're grounding their electromagnetic surplus energy, calming the nervous system, and helping to balance out the workings of the endocrine system.

With touching, it's as important to have someone who will receive as well as someone who will give—you can't have one without the other. The recipient might look passive, but their energy can be very active. There are two ways to be passive — with a tired listlessness, or with "focused awareness," as the ancient Indians would say. It's this second form of passivity that we're trying to aim for here — a live receptivity, relaxed, breathing normally (not held), senses alive, and mentally allowing and encouraging energy flow through the body.

If you have difficulty in accepting passivity, you can console yourself with the knowledge that you'll be active when the roles are reversed. But if you find it difficult to accept touch from your lover, you may be in the wrong relationship! All lovers should, at least, be happily able to accept each other and each other's love.

With any form of touch, the most crucial aspect is the thought behind it. Touch is not universally innocent or well intentioned. Some people touch other people so that they have a surface against which to feel themselves. They aren't concerned about transmitting their love so much as using someone else to create sensation in their own fingertips so that they can love themselves. This is a tricky one, but you'll know it when you feel it.

There is also an invasive touch—when someone makes physical contact to see "how far he or she can go". This is when it's necessary to state an objection to touch with "How dare you touch me!" or something equally definitive so the message gets across that they can't go any further. One doesn't linger over a touch with the boss because it would probably be interpreted as a sexual advance, and for the same reason, bosses avoid lingering touches of their staff. And a punch on the chin is another, more obvious, form of negative touch!

Just as negative thoughts behind a touch can be identified, so too can positive thoughts, which can then be put to good use. One can literally infuse touch with the power of thought. When you touch your lover, close your eyes perhaps, but in any event; think of your hands as an extension of your heart — your love — reaching right into their heart through the surface of their skin. Let go of any negative thoughts you may have had throughout the day toward your lover. Forget about disagreements, put them aside for now and concentrate on the positive — giving love generously. If you really concentrate and allow your natural energies and senses to be your guide, your loving touch will become a magnificent and surprising tool that can be incorporated into lovemaking. Touch shouldn't be a form of foreplay only, but an ongoing, energy-circulating, and stimulating tool, used to fan the fires of passion. Lovemaking is an obvious time to fully utilize the power of touch, if only because this is the only time most of us have our naked skin available, ready and willing. Why waste the chance of taking advantage of it?

Touch can be extremely effective on its own by simply using gentle, stroking movements with the palm and fingers of your hand. Incorporate the well-known erogenous zones of the body (bearing in mind that everyone is unique in this respect) including the neck, ears, shoulders, back, nipples, thighs, buttocks, the curve of the hips, the sides of the body, and not forgetting the feet. There are 72,000 nerve endings in each foot! Try gently stroking, massaging, or sucking the feet and toes. No, we're not trying to tickle the partner here; many people experience an exquisite sense of relaxation after a session of foot attention.

If we accept that touch can be a legitimate activity unrelated to sex, then we can really begin to explore its potential. Our society needs to recognize the beneficial effects touch has on the nervous system with the same readiness as it today pops tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Touch is an important human activity in its own right, crucial to our well-being and an absolute delight. So, let's get in touch!

The Hunger for Touch

This article is excerpted with permission from her book Scents and Scentuality published by New World Library, Notavo, CA 94949. Toll free ordering at 800-972-6657 Ext. 52. Visit their website at www.newworldlibrary.com.

About The Author

Valerie Ann Worwood has practiced cutting-edge aromatherapy for over twenty years. An aromatherapist to royalty and heads of state, she teaches and conducts workshops around the world and is an active member on the executive council of the International Federation of Aromatherapists and runs her own clinic in England. She is the bestselling author of The Complete Book of Essential Oils & Aromatherapy which is widely considered to be the definitive reference book on aromatherapy. She is also the author of The Fragrant Mind, Scents and Scentuality and the newly released Aromatherapy For The Healthy Child.

The Lover asked: How would you like me to touch you? The Lover answered:

I would like you to touch me as if you were going away tomorrow, far far away, and you wanted to remember the feel of my body, the texture of my skin, the hills and valleys that make up the landscape of who I am.

I would like you to touch me as if you were blind, knowing that you love me, but unable to see me. Touch my face, my breasts, my belly, my toes... learn what I "look" like, imagine me in your mind as your hands explore my shape.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were healing hands, radiating love energy with every stroke. Feel the energy penetrating through skin, through flesh, entering into the cells of my body.

I would like you to touch me as if you gained your nourishment through your hands. Feed on me, drink deeply, and draw from your touch the love that I hold for you.

I would like you to touch me as if you were feeding me through your hands, as if by your touch I am nourished and sustained. Every inch of me cries out for your touch, yearns to be fed.

I would like you to touch me as if your hand were a feather, lightly caressing the edge of my being.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were paintbrushes, and as you caress me, you are coloring me in brilliant, sparkling, dazzling hues.

I would like you to touch me as if you were erasing the outer me, allowing me to reveal my inner self to you.

I would like you to touch me as if you had carved a sculpture, and were now feeling its finish, smoothing out any rough areas, enjoying the finished product.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were fire, burning away the dross and leaving only the pure gold of my soul.

I would like you to touch me as if your hands were sponges, soaking up the essence of my being.

I would like you to caress me as if I were made of dry clay, and by dampening my skin you enliven my spirit.

I would like you to touch me as if my skin were soft velvet.

I would like you to touch me as if you were a musician, and your touch brought forth different sounds from different parts of me.

I would like you to touch me as if I were a rare jewel, precious and valuable.

I would like you to touch me as if I were your Lover.

 About The Author Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, leads workshops in relationship and intimacy. They developed Tantra Tai Chi for Couples, exercises to enhance spiritual and sexual intimacy. National seminar leaders, they maintain a private coaching practice in Sarasota, FL and produce vacation retreats for couples called Lessons in Intimacy. Video and information is available at their website, http://www.TantraTaiChi.com. Diana, a Reiki Teacher and a black belt in Aikido, can be reached at tantra@home.com.