Jealousy and Insecurity

by Deborrah Cooper

Conventional literature ties jealousy to low self esteem. Some psychologists describe it as a paranoid distrust of others or ones partner. Can't we settle for a happy medium where a little normal human and heartfelt jealousy adds some spice to the relationship?

Jealousy is scary. You feel jealousy when you experience the unpleasant suspicion that your man or woman is being unfaithful. You suspect the presence of a rival and fear losing out. Your heart pounds in your throat and you can't talk. Your head feels like it will burst open. Your stomach moves in waves and you cant breathe.

There's nothing unnatural about being jealous, but crazy jealousy can interfere with and even destroy your relationships. Crazy jealousy tends to develop along one of the following patterns:

Those of you that are obsessed with your loved one;

Those of you who constantly suspect a partner of being unfaithful with no supporting evidence; and

Those of you who totally overreact to the slightest incident involving the opposite sex and your mate.

Unchecked jealousy is one of the leading causes of domestic violence and murder around the world. Jealousy is not fun, and even in its lightest form will cause feelings of anger and frustration in your relationship. Repeatedly behaving in an out of control fashion will destroy the trust and comfort of your partner and quickly erode your relationship. If you frequently feel irrational jealousy, this one's for you!

Is Jealousy Normal or Psychotic?

I view jealousy as a normal and necessary part of our emotional makeup as human animals - right in there with being sad, angry, happy, hopeful. Just as animals stake out their territories and fight to maintain it, so do people. You may feel that this is YOUR husband, YOUR woman - a part of your belongings, your territory, your property. So you vigilantly guard the focus of your romantic affections as if he or she is a possession.

There are some of you that LIKE your partner to exhibit jealousy. You may do things to set your partner up to try to make them jealous to gauge their reaction as an indicator of their love for you. A woman may be secretly flattered if her man exhibits signs of jealousy. We've all heard others remark with pride "Girl, if I just talk to another man, he gets so jealous!" or "If she cared, she would show at least a little bit of jealousy." This is a dangerous game to play that can often backfire. You may end up feeling hurt when you don't get the reaction you want, instead receiving an icy stare from your partner. Oh, and does the term "beat down" mean anything to you?

Reactions to Jealousy

Some of you explode in a rage - angry verbal confrontations and even physical violence may enter the picture. Others try to play it cool, switching from their heart to their heads while they pretend to be unaffected. I see this emotional denial typically exhibited by men. "Hey, I think it would be stupid to be jealous over a woman. She was someone else's woman before I came along, and will probably be with someone else after me. What sense does that make to get myself all worked up over a woman?"

Since many males deal with their emotions by avoiding them altogether by pretending they don't have them, it would follow that men would not admit to being jealous because that would cause them to feel powerless and vulnerable and less of a man. Men deny themselves the right to feel uncertain, fearful and hurt. After all, if you never show that you have feelings, how can anyone hurt them? But don't men fall in love as deeply as women and hurt as much as we do if the relationship starts turning sour?

Women and Jealousy

Women tend to become depressed, frantic and emotional. Many women feel that without a man they are not successful in their role as a female in our society. Women tend to be more focused on relationships for their identity, relying on that relationship for their sense of who they are. It would follow then that women would be more afraid of being left behind and losing love and face.

Study after study shows that while neither sex is more jealous than the other, jealousy is triggered by different factors in men and women. Female jealousy seemed to revolve around the loss of emotional commitment from a partner, while male jealousy focused more on a partners sexual infidelity.

Jealous Behaviors

Its been proven that jealousy diminishes significantly by the time we are 35. It seems that as we age, we become less dependent on a relationship to prove who we are and more comfortable with ourselves and meeting our own needs.

Jealousy has driven people to murder and thus to jail. Jealousy has driven us to shoot, stab, listen on the telephone extension, drive by his house to spy, examine her underwear, check automobile odometers, follow him when he leaves the house, call her and hang up to make sure she is at home, rummage through his drawers, pockets and closets. You try to figure out the code to her answering machine so that you can retrieve the messages. You drop by unexpectedly drop by at odd times to see who is there. You check his body for scratches, bruises or hickeys on the Q.T. You interrogate her with rapid-fire questions about where she has been, with who, and demand to know who was on the phone after every call.

Yup, jealousy has caused people make absolute fools of themselves. Hopefully this article will inspire you to do some serious thinking about why you feel insecure about your standing in the relationship, jealous about your partner, or lash out with jealous accusations of cheating that you know have no basis in fact.

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Myths of Love: It is flattering to have a jealous lover

http://www1.excite.com/home/health/healthy_sex/article/0,17757,SA_1259,00.html

In the beginning of a passionate relationship, it's easy to be insecure. We want someone else so much that we want to be reassured we are equally desired. If we have even the slightest reason to believe our feelings of love or attraction aren't returned in full, we can act as if possessed by a demon. Our questioning can become inquisitional. We can do things we never thought we were capable of, like go through our beloved’s pants pocket or call on the phone and hang up if he or she is home at the wrong time--or if the wrong person answers!

Some might call this behavior love, but it isn’t--it is temporary insanity. Forgivable, perhaps, in its rare occurrence--but never commendable. Jealousy, in truth, is not love but a form of insecurity, low self esteem, and emotional self-indulgence. Even more than all of that, jealousy is either an insult to one's partner, since it is an active state of distrust, or it is an insult to our own dignity: Why should we be so bananas about someone who we think doesn’t love us enough to tell the truth--or who doesn't give us the attention we deserve?

In other words, far from being flattering, jealousy is a sign that either the relationship is out of kilter, or one or both of the partners is. My take: Either someone trusts you or they don’t. Either you believe in them, or you should get out.

Why would I suggest getting out? First, the stress and pain that jealousy causes, and second, the danger it presents.

The stress is reason enough. The jealous person is high-maintenance and can’t be reassured. Your privacy is violated. And the relationship is always on trial: you start "walking on eggshells" because you never know what might send a jealous lover spinning into misery. This is serious wear and tear on your psyche.

But even more important is the issue of danger. Rather than diminishing with time, jealousy often grows. The more invested a jealous person gets, the more scared--and therefore the more possessive he or she becomes. This kind of person is likely to systematically cut you away from family and friends for fear that others might give you an unflattering perspective on the relationship. They need all of you. This kind of possessiveness can be an unquenchable appetite and can lead to rage, and possibly physical or emotional abuse. If you break up, the jealous lover may not be able to bear it. And suddenly, you may have a stalker.

It is so much better, obviously, not to let things get to this stage. If you have a very jealous lover--or if you find yourself becoming seriously insecure and jealous--it's a sign that something is wrong. It’s not flattering--it’s nasty. If the problem can’t be solved with a few firm words about privacy and trust now, end the relationship. Persist, and you will probably regret it.

-- Pepper Schwartz

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This page was last updated on: August 5, 2002